Tales From The Less Than Well Equipped
by Cheloya
Summary: UPDATED! Vincent and Yuffie travelled mostly together in AVALANCHE after Aeris died. This chronicles some of the trials they faced due to Cloud's lack of togetherness in funding and materia allocation...
1. Soft Touch

Disclaimer: All characters and concepts except for the general storyline belong to Square.

A/N: A random snippet. What happens if you wander around the FFVII world without a) equipping things and b) carrying Softs. -.-; Yuffentine.

Soft Touch

The wind whistled across the plains, and it seemed to Vincent he could hear it for the first time in days. Blessed silence, brought on by the most unlikely of fiends, the scourge of the plains. But it had to end swiftly. All of this did.

His eyes travelled over the stone girl before him. He had no Softs. He rarely carried them with him, protected as he was from such afflictions. But Yuffie, being Yuffie, refused to take precautions.

_"If you think I'm gonna wear a sissy ribbon, you've got another thing coming! There's just no way in the world, vampire boy. I hate ribbons!"_

And now she had been turned to stone by the dragon-like creatures that roamed the plains. He cocked his head on the side and looked at her, frozen in a half-angered, half-horrified position, crouched slightly as though she were about to leap out of the way. _Impressive, that she remained balanced, even though she has been petrified._

Vincent looked about him, considering. He could carry her and risk shattering her, or he could lose time and wait until the effects of the monster's attacks wore off. He glanced down at his claw and stubbornly looked away again. So carrying her was out of the question. Despite her annoying, childish tendencies he did not want to harm her in any way.

"So what am I to do with you?" He pondered aloud. The wind was the only thing that responded, lifting his ebon mane and tugging at it insistently. He should be gone from this place, as quickly as possible. But the wind didn't stir her locks, and her voice didn't disturb the silence.

Vincent wondered why he found that so unnerving.

His mind drifted back to the question at hand, and he began to pace as he pondered, tossing the question in his mind. Eventually he decided there was nothing for it but to make camp and wait until the effects of Soft wore off. He glanced down at the Sniper CR and grimaced at the low level Heal materia there. It was of absolutely no use to him whatsoever in his current situation. He wished rather half-heartedly that Cloud was not carrying the prime materia, and sat down in the middle of the grassy field to wait.

It did not take very long before he started to feel like an idiot.

So he looked around, noting very calmly that there were no fiends approaching, the sun was getting close to setting and there were no Chocobos in sight. He looked back at his hands in the silence, and idly wished he had two thumbs to twiddle.

It was only a very short time later that he looked up again, half hoping to find something to occupy his time. The plains stared back at him, grass waving innocently at him in the wind.

"......."

For lack of anything else remotely interesting to look at, he looked at Yuffie. His lips pursed disapprovingly after a moment.

"To look at you, one would not think you were raised in Wutai."

A pause.

"Look at yourself. You have not even the pride in your appearance to bother with doing up your shorts correctly. As a Turk, I took pride in my uniform… you don't take the slightest care in your daily appearance."

Vincent stood up and walked over to stare down at the statue of Yuffie.

"Nor do you have the decorum appropriate to a Wutaian lady. Your manners are absolutely atrocious. I am surprised your father, whoever he is, did not turn you out of his house."

He pondered this for a moment.

"Or perhaps he did. You have never spoken of your parents. In fact, your past has been presented to AVALANCHE more obtusely than my own… you have never even mentioned Wutai."

He looked at her, at the exquisitely shaped eyes and the stone skin he knew was a darkly golden tan, the skin of a Wutaian. He frowned slightly. How did he know that she was from Wutai? And certainly he knew. It was a truth as deep as his bones. A feeling of complete rightness. She was Wutaian.

"…I wonder why I know this about you? I cannot even remember my youth… I know… I know I am also Wutaian… though the demons and my long slumber seeped the colour from my skin, leaving me but black and white…"

He blinked his red eyes, suddenly sorrowful for the skin tone he had never cared for, and the place he could not remember. He looked down at the petrified young ninja and reached out to touch the stone curve of her cheek.

"Such a shame. This is what you would be like… if you were a model Wutaian lady. You are so full of life… I would not wish you to be like this always. Still and silent, like the moon. And unreachable. Unattainable."

He came to himself suddenly, and snatched his hand back from her cheek. Were anyone around to see it, he would not have been able to hide the pain in his eyes.

He paced away and sat down away from her, where he could not harm her with his taint.

It was a while after darkness fell that he caught movement in the darkness, and saw Yuffie blink and wrap her arms around herself. He saw her start to shiver and cursed himself for not getting a fire started. He stood up and she jumped.

"Vinnie! Gawds, you scared me. What happened? I'm freezing!"

Vincent's human hand began to unbuckle his cloak, as though it had its own ideas about its owner's stoic appearance.

"You were petrified, and unfortunately we are running low on supplies… the Heal materia Cloud allotted us is… useless." It was the kindest word he could ascribe to the cursed orb. He handed her the cloak, and she took it immediately, hunching her shoulders as she bundled herself up within the still-warm scarlet fabric.

Her eyes closed and she enjoyed the warmth of the cloak for a few moments before she saw fit to reply.

"Man, that doofus is so gonna get it for not giving us a decent Heal materia. And a Restore without even a Cure2! I ask you. Man, what a…"

"Yuffie," Vincent reprimanded her quietly.

"What? I'm petrified for, like, DAYS, and all you can do is protect Cloud. Vinnie, you are such a stiff… you know what I call people like you? PARTY POOPERS!"

Vincent pulled out his Fire materia, and wondered why on earth he had been so unhappy when her chattering had stopped.

*

A/N: I know it was random and stupid, but seriously. Have you ever been totally out of EVERYTHING and with nowhere to go and get healed? And have you ever wondered what happens after battles when people are petrified and frogs and stuff?? No? …well, you're probably normal then. Please review!


	2. Sleeping Ugly

Disclaimer: Lalala. Not listening to you.

A/N: Bored. Hyper. Studying. Wheee!!! I have no idea when or where weapons are acquired, nor where this is set, so it doesn't really fit in anywhere. ^^ I'd do more research, but I'm not in that section yet, and I can't be bothered. *crazy grin*

Sleeping Ugly

Yuffie stood with her hands on her hips and surveyed the man stretched out on the ground before her. She had strapped her shuriken firmly to her back as soon as the last battle had ended, but then she had turned around to find the guy fast asleep! She peered at him.

"Hey Vinnie, you okay?" She asked him loudly. There was no response. Yuffie snorted. "Well geez, that's hardly a change. You might actually talk more in your sleep, Vinnie Valentine."

She crouched down next to him and picked up the Quicksilver, the gun having fallen from his grasp to lie in the dirt beside him. She picked out the Heal materia that was in one of the materia slots and stared at it for a few seconds. Not even high enough to Heal anything but poison. Man, what a bummer. That was one materia she'd have to leave be when they eventually got to Wutai.

She looked around brightly for a few minutes, cheerily deciding that she might just wait until he woke up. When said few minutes passed, she nudged him with her foot. She'd figured him for a light sleeper, with all those nightmares he was always having, but then again, having slept for, like, a bazillion years, he was probably pretty good at it. Yuffie herself thought that sleep was pretty much a waste of time. She was pretty sure she had forced herself into insomnia.

When he didn't move, she nudged him with her foot again, slightly harder this time. "Hey, monster man, wake up already. Cloud is gonna be soooo annoyed at you if we lose a day. We're supposed to meet him in Rocket Town soon, remember? Like, tomorrow."

No reply. Yuffie sighed and scowled, her lower lip pushing itself out in a comical childish pout. "You're the one who keeps saying that, Vinnie. 'Hurry, Yuffie' and 'Quickly, Yuffie', but who's asleep now, huh?"

A pause.

"Yeah, that's _right, buddy, and don't you forget it."_

Yuffie stared at his closed eyes for a minute and her face resolved itself slowly into her usual cheerful, inquisitive expression. She sat down beside him and gave the arm above his bronze claw a poke with a skinny Wutaian finger. He didn't so much as frown in his sleep.

"Gawds. With the way you are normally, I'd think you'd have better reflexes than that, Vinnie Valentine."

She brought her spindly legs up to her chest and crossed her arms loosely about them, watching his face with clear grey eyes. She had always thought him kind of scary-_looking, even though he didn't scare her in the slightest. It must be the eyes and the harsh colours, she decided with some asperity. Red might suit him, but black washed him out. Made him look like some sort of bloodied ghost. The gold didn't do much for him, either. She flicked the claw with one of her longer nails and got a moment's amusement out of the pinging sound that resulted._

However, that moment's amusement wasn't going to last her the whole afternoon, and Cloud sure wasn't going to be amused if they got to Rocket Town late. She got to her feet and stretched her legs before regarding Vincent with scrutiny. "You sure you're not gonna wake up, Vinnie?" She asked him hopefully, staring at him and willing him to wake up.

He started to snore slightly.

Having laughed a while at this new development, Yuffie eventually tugged him into a sitting position. She hugged him awkwardly to keep him upright while she tried to sit him in a way that she could pick him up. He was a scrawny, bird-boned man so far as she could see. She, Kisaragi Yuffie, should be able to carry him no problems.

She frowned. But she wasn't going to do it like this. Lying him down again carefully, she rolled him over and knotted his cape so that it wouldn't get in her way. Vincent's lax face let his mouth hang open as his face rested between two tussocks of grass in the sandy soil. His slow breath puffed occasional particles of the dirt away from his face. Yuffie grinned. Too bad she didn't have a camera.

She flipped him onto his side as gently as possible and crouched, pulling his claw arm over her shoulders and holding him mostly upright as she stood. That wasn't going to work. Vincent was way too tall. She'd end up dragging his knees in the dirt.

So she took off her shuriken and, bending over like one of Wutai's many old washer-women, flung him over her back, making sure to keep one of his arms behind her neck and dangling over one shoulder as some sort of support. Her knees wobbled at the weight and she let out a gasp of surprise. "Whoa!" She commented in surprise to the unconscious man on her back. "You're pretty damn heavy for a walking corpse."

She walked a few paces experimentally, and hefted him into a more comfortable position. His claw dangled limply and irritatingly at her hip, while his other hand rested just below her collarbone. Hanks of the long, fine black hair were no doubt tangling around the joints of her shoulder armour as the wind easily manipulated the mass of thin strands. She shook her head wonderingly as she started to walk again. Vincent had finer hair than she did. It was uncanny. Maybe it was just because it was longer. Yuffie remembered her mother's hair being gossamer-soft.

Mama had always worn her hair long, but up in a tight wheel on the back of her head. It was only when she let it down at night to brush it that Yuffie got to see it in all its glory, before she bound it into a long, thin plait and kissed her daughter goodnight.

Yuffie had, of course, always snuck outside the shoji doors to sit in the night and watch the stars, sometimes even climbing the twining wooden dragon pillars to sit on the tiled roof and compare her Mama's materia locket to the skies above Wutai.

Needless to say, to a young Yuffie, the materia had looked much prettier than the stars, and far more beautifully majestic than the sand-coloured planes of any of Da Chao's many faces.

Materia had been her goal for much of her life, and she had born her father's request of her to gather materia with pride. It wasn't stealing if it was going to help the country, after all. Everyone else in the world called it tax. She rolled her eyes at herself. She knew it was wrong, but what else could they do to get free of Shinra's reign? She was pretty sure she was doing everything she could, being part of AVALANCHE as well as stealing all the materia that Shinra forced the production of through their mako-thingies.

Come to that, she wasn't at all sure she'd be doing the right thing, stealing from these guys. No matter how much strength they had, they'd need their materia to beat Sephiroth and lay the smack down on the Shinra. And…

She pushed away the twinge of guilt, and focussed with all her might on Vincent's weight on her back as she entered a forest, the most direct Route to Rocket Town. He wasn't about to fall off. He wasn't waking up, either, though. She gave him a suspicious look over her shoulder and hitched him onto a better spot on her back. "How do I know you're not just sleeping to get out of walking to Rocket Town?"

It wasn't something Vincent would do. She doubted he'd ever shirked a chore or feigned illness to get out of school or work for a day. Still, she was getting kind of sick of carrying him. And Cloud's annoyance was starting to look like a breeze compared to the burning in her lower back.

She lowered him carefully to the ground and propped him up against a tree while she stretched her back. She winced as the joints crackled and popped like some weird and morbid excuse for a breakfast cereal, and then stuck her shuriken into the ground next to Vincent.

He looked kind of funny, at an odd angle due to the bulky knot in his cloak. Figuring by his words the first time she had seen him wake up ("Get out.") she decided Vinnie would not be any more of a morning person if he had a humongous crick in his back when the sleep spell finally wore off. Humming to herself, she pulled his knees up and leaned his torso against them while she worked on undoing the mess she had made of his cloak. As a knots expert, it didn't take long. She pushed Vincent back against the tree and smiled fondly as his head tilted to rest in a slight depression in the trunk.

Okay, so maybe she had thought him creepy when they were in the basement of the Shinra Mansion. Out of the dimness, in the dappled golden light of the forest, he was kind of… cute. She almost slapped her forehead at the thought. Vincent? Cute? The two just did not go together. Hell, Galian Beast probably had more of a 'cute' factor than Vincent did. But… still… he _was kind of adorable without the death glare, and without the constant tension thrumming along every line of his body. It was as though while he was asleep, every wall he constructed when awake just collapsed and left him this loose marionette, slumped against a tree trunk without a care in the world._

Just looking at him made Yuffie sleepy.

She yawned widely. Well, maybe a nap wouldn't be so bad. She was too tired to carry Vincent much further, anyway. "Shove over, monster man, I wanna share your trunk." She giggled at the foolishness of her words and squeezed into the hollow between his body and the barrier of one of the tree's mighty roots. She tugged his cloak around her and closed her eyes, nestling her head into his chest.

"You drool on my hair, I'm gonna cut out your tongue, Vinnie…" She managed sleepily, and then she was out like a light.

*

It was like coming up for air after being underwater for… for a very long time. Lungs breathed as though for the first time the warmed air of the afternoon, skin was kissed by the balm of the breeze… and a warmth was curled by his side, soft fine hair beneath his cheek, far too soft to be his own.

Vincent's eyes snapped open and his head jerked upright. His blood red eyes darted around in a panic… but he was in a wood. A quiet wood, and beside him, snug against his side, was…

…_Yuffie…_

Vincent stood up so quickly a bystander would have thought he had been burned. Unfortunately, wrapped in his cloak as she was, Yuffie was tossed on to the ground. She made a soft moaning sound and opened her eyes, pulling her face up out of the dust. She blinked at him sleepily as he stared at her in something approaching horror.

"Oh… you're awake. Welcome back to the land of the living, monster man." She yawned widely and brushed the dirt off her face, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she'd just been thrown in the dirt. In fact, it was about the most cheerful he had ever seen her when she had just awoken…

"…what happened?" Vincent asked, his voice a careful monotone.

"Eh." Yuffie stretched like a cat and got to her feet, yanking on her shuriken to pull it from the ground. "Some monster cast sleep on you and I had to lug you all the way out of that shallow valley near Mt Nibel… oh. Here's your gun." She tugged it and the strap she had attached it to over her head and tossed it to him.

"You need to lose some weight, Vinnie. You're about as light as _Midgar_."

Vincent stared at her in bewilderment as she tossed her shuriken from hand to hand and then started off to the north.

"Well come on, monster man, we're late thanks to you. Cloud wanted us to be in Rocket Town by tomorrow, and we've still got a _loooong way to go. In fact, hey, now it's your turn to carry me!"_

Sigh. "We will lose more time if I carry you, Yuffie."

"But you're a big strong monster man, and—" A well-placed death glare shut her up. "Yeah, yeah. Well. Next time, then." She flounced off through the trees. Damn ungrateful vampire monster thing.

~*~

A/N: …I liked the first one better, but tell me what you think. :) Next… Berserk! :D! Please review.


	3. Chaos Ensues

Disclaimer: Tell you what. I'll make a song that doesn't end. It'll include all the things I don't own. Mmkay? FFVII and its characters, concepts etc. are some of them.

A/N: I am sick of studying and I am desperately creative. So we have this chapter. In which more status afflictions are abused for the sake of Yuffentine, and, well… read the chapter title. Anyway, I've noticed in my misadventures that Vincent seems to get affected by Berserk rather a lot. So we have this. Enjoy, kids. ^^

Chaos Ensues

Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.

Yuffie had to clamp both of her hands over her mouth to prevent herself from laughing out loud. Vincent seemed to have made it his private mission to grind the grass he walked on into its component atoms. It wasn't his fault, really. As they had been wandering around, a fiend had leaped from the brush and attacked, hitting him with Fury Needles. And of course they had nothing with which to heal the condition, only a Heal materia that was not powerful enough to allow her to use anything except Poisona. So he really had no choice but to be Berserk, as his status indicated.

But hey, what had the poor grass ever done to him?

"Hey monster man, what's your major malfunction?" She asked loudly as she trotted ten feet behind him. "It'll wear off sooner if you let it, y'know." Vincent didn't make any sort of coherent response, only hunched his shoulders slightly. He seemed to glow in anger, ever more brightly, ever more heatedly. She wondered if Berserk made people explode.

"Hey, you listening up there? You have to take a chill pill, Vinnie, or the Berserk lasts longer."

"Yes, Yuffie." Vincent's words were clipped with frustration. "_Thankyou_, Yuffie." He continued winding his way up the small mountain they had been in the middle of climbing when this shenanigan had started. Yuffie bounced along behind him.

"Because, y'know, if you keep being angry like this, you're gonna go ahead and blow away your big silent exterior, monster man, and you're gonna say more than '…'." She jumped, ricocheted off a few trees and stuck a landing directly in front of him. She then proceeded to do a spirited imitation of Vincent at his most dramatic, flinging her right arm around and yelling, "………!" with a vengeance.

Vincent's expression slowly darkened to the point where his face actually started to change colour – the first time she had ever seen such a thing in the stoic man. Still, she managed to muster a soulfully pathetic look, making her eyes wide and tortured and murmuring, "Lucrecia…" in as deep a voice as she could find within her small, skinny ribcage.

It was the last straw. Vincent's human hand darted out and grabbed her by the collar faster than even her ninja reflexes could match, and he wrenched her forward with a snarl. She let out a cry of shock and alarm at the sudden action, and at his inhumanly sharp canines. Yuffie squeezed her eyes shut. _Oh gods, help me. Now I've done it._

"Do not speak of her," he said in a voice gone hoarse with fury. "Do not speak of her in that manner! You, Kisaragi Yuffie, are trying me to the point of insanity. Do you not think that perhaps, having been a Turk, Iknow _precisely_ in which circumstances Berserk is most likely to wear off? Has it occurred to your miniscule, puerile mind that perhaps the demons that inhabit my body feed from the rage and do their utmost to prolong it? _Have you no inkling of when you should shut the Hell up—?_"

He thrust her away from him with a wordless cry of agony and she landed heavily in the dirt, curling her thin arms above her head protectively, as though afraid he would strike her. Her breath came fast, fearful. She could hear Vincent's steps approaching, heavy on the gravel of the slope. _Leviathan help_ me._ There was a loud crunch._

"W-What are you going to do?" She whispered in a panic, tears trickling from beneath her squeezed-shut eyelids.

Nothing. Silence but for her own too-fast breathing. She raised her head cautiously, her tear-streaked cheeks pale with dread. And Vincent made a strangled sound in the back of his throat, a sound that made her certain he was choking, he was dying, and it was all her fault. His claw was buried, deep gouges in the ground testimony to a savage swipe at nothing. His right hand was tensed, clawing at his collar as though something there pained him.

"Oh my god! Vincent!"

She flung herself toward him, her eyes wide and fearful, no longer of the man but for him. "Vincent, Vincent, Vincent, oh my gods, Vincent, _breathe Vincent, oh my god…_"

His hand relaxed briefly, his eyes opened, but the entirety of the eye was flooded with crimson. Only for a moment, and then he choked the demons down once more, battling frantically to lock them away. Slowly the red seeped from the whites of his eyes, to dwell only in the pupils once more. He turned his head to lock eyes with her. Gods only knew what she looked like to him, eyes wide with panic, tears still on her face, the face that must have aged five years with fear for him.

But it was enough. And his hand unclenched at last, and he twisted his gauntlet-arm until the tips of the gleaming deadly bronze came free of the stone. Yuffie felt her breathing slow and calm, looking into those eyes. Deep and calm and cool, like the soothing bottomless ocean. Leviathan's depths. She took a shuddering breath and slid down the hill and locked her arms about his neck.

"Don't do that! Don't ever scare me like that!" She ordered him roughly, trying to make anger more pronounced in her voice than tears. To her shock and amazement, Vincent lowered his forehead to rest it on her armour-less shoulder. She knew without knowing how that his eyes were closed and that his mouth was again tugging downward in grief.

"I'm… sorry. For what I said. I don't… mean it, Yuffie." His breath was cool as he exhaled, keeping his voice level and calm. "Please forgive me… I am always affected badly by Berserk."

Yuffie gulped. "Vinnie, Vinnie, are you okay now? I thought you were gonna die. I'm sorry. I'll try not to pester you any more. Are you okay?" She asked him nervously, noticing that she was babbling and not really caring. He raised his head from her shoulder then and stood carefully, offering her a courteous hand, as ever. He nodded slightly.

"As long as you are well." He said, his words laden with some meaning she didn't care to try and decipher. Just listening to Vincent talk gave her a headache – if she started thinking about everything he said, and all the different meanings behind his words, she'd go crazy. Totally, completely crazy.

"'m fine," and then, regaining some of her fervour, "Hey, ya big idiot-head, you'd better not get hit by Berserk Needles again! If you think I'm gonna put up with you'n your damn bad moods…" She trailed off as ominously as she could, turning her nose up in the air to hide her relief that Vincent wasn't about to transform and chomp on her backbone.

Vincent seemed to understand. To her surprise, his eyes crinkled slightly at the edges. He seemed to realise the oddity of this at the same time she did, for he turned away and continued up the mountain. His step was far lighter than it had been before, iron-tipped shoes making barely a sound even on the loose scree of the slope. "I will try my utmost to make certain that it does not occur again."

Yuffie ran up the slope ahead of him, tossing him a grin over her shoulder as she passed. "Betcha can't beat me to the top of the mountain!"

Vincent shook his head slightly as she darted off. _Incorrigible child. He didn't think even in his thoughts he could properly express how glad he was that she did not flinch away every time he looked at her. He wasn't certain how, despite everything, she could still be concerned for his health over fearing the demons within him… but he was not going to discourage her. Even he needed to be supported at times, and if that strength had to come from the ninja, so be it._

~*~

A/N: Well, what do you think? I'm starting to like status afflictions. 3


	4. The Frog Demon Vampire Thing

Disclaimer: Don't own FFVII, Yuffie, Vincent, status afflictions… *drones on and on and on*

A/N: Well, thankyou to everyone who reviewed. ^^ I _will_ be continuing this for all of the status afflictions – well, all of the appropriate ones, anyway. Which is most of them. So I guess this'll be going on for a while.

Anyway, this chapter. Frog. Because I'm lame, and well… Demeter, it's all your fault. *laughs*

The Frog Demon-Vampire-Thing

Vincent looked down in silence. He had been looking down for some time. Finally, he crouched and gave the bright green amphibian before him a look.

"Yuffie." He said softly. "I thought you could finish it off in one hit by yourself."

The frog that had once been Yuffie gave him a _look_. It was hard to believe that a frog could have a _look_, but Yuffie seemed to manage it without any trouble. Vincent sighed.

"I don't have a Maiden's Kiss, or a Remedy. The Heal materia still has not acquired Esuna." He said, stating the obvious out loud as he tried to think of a way out of their current dilemma. "Have you tried Frog Punching yourself?"

Yuffie twitched, a murderous gleam appearing in her beady eyes. Before he could blink, she jumped as high as she possibly could and socked him in the arm.

Vincent suddenly found the frog that was Yuffie much larger and right in his face. She looked triumphant, for a frog. "Ribbit. Ribbit." She said loudly.

"Ribbit."

"Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit."

"Ribbit. Ribbit."

"Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit."

"Ribbit. Ribbit. GRAAAAAAAARK."

The Yuffie-frog and the Vincent-frog each drew back their respective froggy limbs and punched each other as hard as they could, simultaneously. The Yuffie-frog made a croak that could have been translated into a human yelp of pain. The Vincent-frog sagged slightly to one side as he took his weight off the now injured limb. He hopped forward in a manner that would have reminded an onlooker distinctly of hobbling, and punched the Yuffie-frog lightly on her unhurt arm.

Yuffie in her human form immediately reappeared in the clearing. She looked down at her arm, where a large purplish bruise was already appearing, and pouted. "Oh great, Vinnie. Good job. Well, your big idea sure worked well. Simultaneous punching doesn't work. It just _hurts more._"

Vincent punched her again, and once she had hit him back once in retaliation he moved out of her reach quickly. "Yuffie, I don't think this is going to work. I can walk faster; I will carry you to the next village."

Punch. Punch.

"Oh no way, Vinnie. I don't wanna be a frog for all that time. And they'll _laugh at me when we __get there."_

Punch. Punch.

"Yuffie, I am certain that they will not laugh at you."

Punch. Punch.

"Oh yes they will. We need to think up some other cure, or you need to accept that _I will be the one carrying _you_."_

Punch. Punch.

"…what sort of cure are you suggesting, Yuffie?"

The punching ceased briefly as the Yuffie-frog thought about it. She bounced a few times in deliberation, and then with an embarrassed look… Punch. Punch.

"Um. Vinnie. You think a regular maiden's kiss will work? And, uh, not the item? I'm… well, that is…" Gulp. "Well, I _am_ sorta the princess of Wutai. You think it'll work?"

Vincent-frog blinked and let out a disbelieving gargling sound. Then, in true Vincent fashion, he was silent for a long period of time. Thinking. Rationalising. Yuffie bit her lip and tried not to look as embarrassed as she felt, asking something like that. It was ridiculous, really. A fairy tale. But what else did they have here but a hope in hell? It wasn't _Vincent_ who was going to be humiliated if it didn't work. Or even if it did. Yuffie wondered briefly why she was doing this if all it was going to end with was trouble for her.

She decided to ignore that question.

Vincent-frog hopped a little closer, and crawled carefully onto her palm. He looked just about as wretched as she felt. She looked down at the creature unwillingly. She _wasn't getting girly because it was a frog._

Which meant she was getting girly because he was Vincent.

"And we're not going to talk about this when we meet up with the others. Because that would be bad. And you're not going to tell them about the Wutai thing."

She lifted him up to her face and kissed the top of his head lightly.

And suddenly, her lips were not on the back of a frog, but on the lips of a man. A man whose hands were still curled around her wrist just as the frog's had been. A man who did not seem to be moving, even though he was entirely human. A man whose eyes were closed.

And then Vincent opened his eyes. He moved back hastily and she let out a slight shocked sound as the tips of his claw grazed her flesh, leaving raised red welts. Vincent looked away from her, apparently embarrassed or ashamed.

"…it worked." He said as lightly as he could manage.

"Yeah. It did." Yuffie agreed, slightly dazed. "We, uh, shouldn't mention this. Because, uh, you know Cloud. He'll, like, turn himself into a frog and then pair himself up with Aeris or Tifa or something."

"…neither Aeris nor Tifa are princesses." A question in his eyes. Yuffie bit her lip and looked away pointedly.

"Yeah, about that… you won't tell anyone, will you?" _Because that would really, really destroy my plans! You'd all know where I was going…_

Vincent stared at her for a few moments, and then cocked his head at her with the slightest of tiny half-smiles. "Tell them what?" He asked with cluelessness so Cloud-like it made her burst into laughter.

"Aw, nothing. Let's get a move on, outta this damn frog-infested forest!"

~*~

A/N: *cough* Not lame and fluffy, not lame and fluffy at all. Please review! :)


	5. It Lives!

Disclaimer: I don't own Yuffie, Vincent, or anything else from Final Fantasy VII. ^^

A/N: I realise that this is probably the most over-used status affliction of all. But hey, it had to be done! ^_^ Merry Christmas everyone. And quite possibly a Happy New Year, too, since I may not get another chapter up beforehand. I don't remember what the Lariat looks like. I miss FFVII.

Oh, and a note… Vinnie doesn't wear a Ribbon, everyone! I've just noticed that in the game, my Vincent is remarkably resilient even when I don't have any useful accessories or armour equipped. ^^ One reason I love him so much. One thing he _does succumb to with startling regularity is Fury… which is good, because it means I get to use Chaos a lot! ^_^_

It Lives!

"Well, look at you, Vinnie. You look like a glo-stick." Yuffie chuckled. Vincent gave her a weary look, his eyes narrowed slightly as he tried to shove back the pain of the poison in his veins. It was not yet serious, but he would prefer it prevented before it became such.

"I've always found glo-sticks rather fascinating." He responded dryly. "Yuffie, an Antidote, please…?"

"Fresh out, Vinnie." She gave him a helpless little shrug, and then her mouth stretched itself into a grin of frightening proportions. "But… we finally have a use for that stupid Heal materia!" She chirped in a bright and extremely irritating sing-song voice.

"…very good, Yuffie."

"I mean, seriously Vinnie – Cloud has actually given us a materia that we now find ourselves in need of. Isn't that, like, the most _amazing thing?_"

"…yes, Yuffie."

"I think he must've been totally _sick_ or something, don't you? Or maybe he was confused? Because he _never gives us anything _helpful_."_

"Yuffie, I hate to point this out, but I am slowly dying and I have no more MP. Kindly cast Poisona so that we can move on."

Yuffie stopped in the midst of twirling in circles with said Heal materia and gave him a slightly embarrassed look. "Oh, right. Sorry, Vinnie. It's on your gun, right?" She crouched down next to the poisoned man. "Um… I guess you can't move much, huh?"

In response, Vincent gave her a baleful look. Yuffie cocked her head at him and calmly began unbuckling her shoulder armour. "This thing is way too bulky, y'know? I'll never get your gun out of your holster with that thing. I can't even lift it. You're really strong, y'know, holding it with just one arm all the time…"

Vincent's vision was fogging and he closed his eyes stubbornly. It was a choice between sinking into unconsciousness and risking death or listening to her prattling and risking insanity. Vincent heard soft thuds as Yuffie's armour hit the ground, and his eyes shot open in surprise as he felt her fingers on his belt. Yuffie seemed not to notice her companion's shock, her head low and eyes focussed on unclipping the holster from Vincent's belt. She was still babbling away, to herself more than him, and although she and the landscape around him had become nothing more than vaguely colourful blurs, he was aware that her hair smelled wonderful.

A loud _oof__! brought his mind swiftly away from that train of thought, and Yuffie dragged his beloved Lariat closer to her so that she could pick the appropriate materia out of its barrel. He saw her grey eyes through a fog as they smiled at him. "There we go. _Poisona__!_"_

A soothing coolness welled in Vincent with the spell, starting in his head and sweeping down into his legs, his fingertips.  He blinked. He could see much more clearly now. Yuffie stood up quickly, bouncing back to her feet and holding his gun carefully in both hands. He shook his head slightly to clear it of the slightly euphoric effect of the spell and took it back, resting it against his shoulder as he deftly reattached his holster.

Yuffie slung on her shoulder armour and cocked her head at him with a slightly loopy smile as she buckled it back on, yanking at the straps. She examined the Heal materia carefully. "It still has so far to go… we could walk all the way to the North Continent again before it'd be powerful enough to allow us an Esuna."

Vincent shrugged, held his hand out for it. "It was useful this time."

Yuffie's eyes remained on the materia as she reluctantly placed it in his hand. "Yeah. This time." She shook her head and poked out her tongue. "Y'know, you looked kinda good in green, Vinnie."

"……"

"Or maybe it was just the neon. Have you ever considered, like, neon purple?"

Vincent frowned. He _knew he should have chosen unconsciousness._

~*~

A/N: =) Merry Christmas. Please review. The next chapter will be much more interesting, I promise. Fury! Sadness! And the scary, scary magic that are Hypers and Tranquilisers…


	6. Hell Hath No Fury Like A Yuffie, High

Disclaimer: I don't own Status Afflictions, Yuffie, Vincent, or the rest of AVALANCHE. Or any of the places they visit.

A/N: I've always wondered what would happen if a character OD'd on Hypers or Tranquilisers. This curiosity was intensified the first time I found a Hyper behind Don Corneo's bed. So, without further ado… =}

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Yuffie, High

Yuffie sighed heavily, the light gone from her eyes. Though the grey orbs usually held something of the energy of a thunderstorm whether ecstatic or enraged, today they were cast of miserable steel, like clouds on days of never-ending rain.

In comparison, her companion's eyes could be likened to scarlet flames, filled as they were with deadly and relentless fury. He seemed to smoulder, the heat of his anger rippling out from him like waves. Yuffie slowly handed him a Hi-Potion and sighed again.

"I hate Sadness." She said miserably as Vincent grumpily threw the Hi-Potion down his throat. He made a vague response in the form of a '_Hn._' and started to look for some Hypers. They would get nowhere if she was too depressed to cause heavy damage, and he was too pissed off to aim properly. He glanced at Yuffie, and through the haze of Fury, noticed that she seemed abnormally upset, even accounting for the status affliction. With this in mind, he picked out two Hypers and used both on her.

He would later plead insanity for that particular action.

The change was instantaneous. A smile broke over her face like the sun breaking through a thunderstorm, and she turned to him, the wind somehow contriving to lift her hair dramatically, strands of chocolate across her olive skin. Vincent felt something jump sideways in his chest, and looked away, scowling.

_Not wise, Valentine. Not wise at all._

He tried to pay no heed to the young woman as she jabbered cheerfully away to herself, her slim fingers picking out a few Tranquilisers. "…much-worse-than-usual-so-I'll-use-another-one-just-in-case-okay-Vinnie?"

And those were the last words he actually _heard_ for quite some time. There was a stinging pain in his arm and he turned his head sharply to glare at Yuffie.

Annoyance seeped away. Anger, guilt, tiredness – all gone. Vincent cocked his head to the side, and smiled as the world tilted crazily in the opposite direction. He could hear a high-pitched buzzing nearby. He looked around dazedly. "Whut?"

Yuffie had been pleasantly surprised to see the smile appear without preamble on his face, and said so in a sentence roughly three hundred words long, without breathing. Now she jumped to her feet, feeling light and cheerful.

"So like Vinnie let's go already, we have to go find Cloud and the others and go pick up all that stuff from Rocket Town in the rocket with the pretty materia that I love; I so wanna get some Huge Materia, I mean I totally get why Scarlet wants it, only she can't have it all cuz we want it all, huh Vinnie?"

"…whut?"

*

Several hours later, they were getting closer to Rocket Town. Yuffie sang snatches of annoying songs. Sometimes the verses penetrated Vincent's tranquil haze and made the voices in his head argue viciously over who got to kill the ninja. Between songs, Yuffie pointed out things that interested her along the way, such as rocks, dirt, birdies, bees and blades of grass.

"Wow Vinnie this grass is so totally long it comes up to my waist, hey, how much do you think there is, you think I could count how much there was, hey Vinnie wouldn't it be totally cool if we had this many Gil or this many materia, cuz I really really like materia a lot and I don't have much right now but you have pretty materia Vinnie hey how come I don't get to use Hades or anything, Vinnie, huh?"

Even in his normal state, Vincent could not have followed this sentence to its dubious conclusion in order to answer the question. Now he was in no state to even speak, or to notice her words. He barely took notice of her, except when she was singing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" – Yuffie had a tendency to start at 999 999 bottles of beer, and anything that was repeated for this length of time eventually penetrated Vincent's Tranquilised mind. However right now, he was paying too much attention to the strangely swirling forest around them.

"Whut?"

"Looklooklooklook_berries_Vinnie_berries_! I love berries I'm gonna pick 'em all and eat 'em all and leave none for Cloud or stupid Red he's so much smarter than I am even though he says he's just a teenager too I really hope these berries aren't poisonous but I'm sure they're not cuz they're white and sparkly just like the white materia and I bet they're good for you just like the white materia!"

Yuffie ran to said berry push and started pulling off handfuls of the small, white, and absolutely poisonous berries. Vincent trailed after her and stood watching for a while.

"Whut?"

*

"Cid… do you hear that?" Tifa asked, not daring to move from her seat until she had finished her tea. From outside, there came a long, eerie sound, like that of a train's whistle.

"What the…?" Cid wondered aloud, and walked over to the front door. As he approached it, the 'wooooooooooooo' became a 'nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer' similar to that of a child imitating a jet's flight. Cid eyed the door nervously.

He had just set a hand on the handle when it was flung open by Yuffie who was jumping up and down and dragging a lazily grinning Vincent behind her. While the former was a fairly normal sight, even with the Nerosuferoth tied to her head, the latter was something that made Cid back away very quickly with his hands raised in a non-threatening manner.

"Hi Cid hi Tifa hi Barret hi Cloud hi Red hi Shera hi Cait guess what Vinnie and I are finally here and I am the Queen of the Rocket Plains and All Nerosuferoths and the Overlord of Grass and All Berry Matter!"

Vincent stared absently around the room and hummed softly to himself.

AVALANCHE stared. They weren't quite sure what to make of this. Cloud beckoned Cid away, just in case either of the clearly insane duo before them went nutso and decided to attack.

"Yuffie… what happened?" Cloud asked, once Cid was at a safe distance.

"Well ya see Vinnie gave me some nice Hypers because I was sad and then I wasn't sad any more and I was happy and then I gave Vinnie some Tranquilisers and he wasn't mad any more and I found the magic twinkle berries and they were really yummy!"

She took a cheerful step forward, and AVALANCHE, acting on some unknown common impulse, ran for it. Yuffie started running after them, dragging Vincent with her, but Shera locked the door behind her. They heard a _click_ from the front of the house as someone locked that, too. The happy expression on Yuffie's face faltered a little bit.

"Vinnie, I don't feel so good."

She then ran to the bathroom and threw up.

*

A few hours later, Cid silently unlocked his front door. Glancing back at Shera, he opened it and tiptoed inside. He couldn't _hear_ anything loud and obnoxious. He hated to think maybe Yuffie had escaped and been let loose on his poor Rocket Town. With a grimace at the thought, he gestured the rest of the group inside.

"Keep it quiet. I dunno where the @#$% they are, but…" The ominous trail-off spoke for itself.

They stood nervously in the kitchen for a few moments before Shera started off down the corridor. "They can't be far away. The back door is still locked… and I can't see any broken windows…"

Seeing a door ajar, she ventured to push it all the way open. It was the room she and Cid shared, and she almost dreaded what she might see. But as soon as she opened the door, she tilted her head to one side and could not repress an, "Aww…"

"What is it?" Tifa asked. She walked quickly down the hall to peer around Shera, and a small smile immediately lit on her face. "That's… the cutest thing I've ever seen."

The Nerosuferoth must've escaped, but Vincent and Yuffie were curled up together on one of the beds. Vincent's head was flung back on the pillows, mouth slightly ajar. Yuffie's head rested in his lap, one of her arms hanging off the bed to graze the floor with her wrist. Both were snoring lightly. Cait Sith chuckled.

"Hey, let's wake 'em up and watch 'em squirm!" He declared evilly. Tifa grabbed the cat robot by the scruff of his neck.

"We will do no such thing." She said firmly. However, a grin soon stole over her face. "Let's take a photograph. _Then_ let's wake them up and watch them squirm!"

~*~

A/N: Not exactly the most well-written or exciting chapter, but I'm sort of using this fic to stave off Writer's Block. ^^ It's just a one-in-a-million kinda thing that people actually like it… anyway, the next chapter is on… uh, Silence, I think. Or else that's coming soon. It might be Mini. *can't remember and is too lazy to go get her notes* Eh. Please review and let me know what you think!


	7. Confusion

Disclaimer: I do not own Yuffie, Vincent, or anything else from FFVII.

A/N: Well, I've finally put a bit of a plot to this. The entire story is set pretty much during the second disk, and this is the chapter set… well, I don't know, exactly. I've never held off on doing the Yuffie Sub-quest long enough to know when the Lucrecia bit comes in relation to it. So we'll just pretend the sub-quest occurs afterwards, ok? ^^ Sweet.

Ahem. Highly improbable, but then, so is the entirety of Yuffentine. So deal. ^^

Confusion

"Shit!"

Yuffie stared, wide-eyed, as Vincent raised the Outsider at her. He must've been hit by Funny Breath during the last wave of attack from those… those… Yuffie had no idea what they were called. She only knew that they were evil, evil, creepy little pumpkin-headed ghost things, and that there were way too many of them in the Shinra Mansion. And that Vincent was obviously Confused and aiming his gun at _her!_

She leapt out of the way as he pulled the trigger, and narrowed her eyes. "You _idiot!_" She screeched, and sliced at him with the Rising Sun in rage. She realised this was a bad idea only after Vincent was knocked to the ground, shaking his head to clear it, and leaving her to deal with the remaining demonic pumpkin-sheets on her own. She waved her arms impatiently. "Fire2!"

With little shrieks of pain and despair, the scent of rotten pumpkin filled the air and the creatures were burned to crisps. Yuffie turned back to Vincent with a triumphant little smirk, and discovered him staring at her, half puzzled, half amused. Yuffie didn't like the amount of emotion she could see. Maybe he wasn't quite back to normal yet.

"You've cut your hair." He said, and his voice had changed somehow. It hadn't become any deeper, but it had somehow become more pleasant to listen to. She suddenly realised he had actually modulated his tone, made it sound slightly teasing, slightly accusing, all in fun. She stared back at him.

_Vinnie, speaking in something other than a monotone? Joking? Man, maybe _I'm_ the confused one…_

"I _like_ it. Suits you." The accent had become slightly rougher, more… she blinked in surprise. Was that a Wutaian twang she heard? A slight softness of consonants, an odd angling to the vowels? She stared at Vincent until he cocked an eyebrow at her – at least, she presumed he did, she couldn't see his eyebrows underneath the bandanna. He shoved the Outsider back into its holster and walked a few steps closer.

"What's the matter, 'Crecia?"

Yuffie stared at him, and nearly burst out laughing. He was confused. He was definitely confused. He thought she was Lucrecia. Oh, this was priceless. Could she buy a camera? When he woke up, could she use a film as blackmail? The corner of her mouth twitched upward for a second, but she flattened it out again on the pretext that Lucrecia hadn't seemed like a very jolly person. "I notice you don't pass comment on my hiking clothes."

Vincent's eyes crinkled, his mouth stretching with painful slowness into a beautiful smile. "Do I really have to? You take my breath away, always." Yuffie's breath caught in her throat as he moved right in front of her and looked down, eyes flashing darkly with intense emotion. She stared upward at him, looking at her like that, and felt her knees go just a little bit weak.

_Um. Um. Shit. What would Lucrecia say?_

"Oh, Vincent! Let's move to Kalm and have a dozen babies."

Vincent blinked at her, and then laughed, a full-blown, hearty laughter that she swore had never ever come from his lungs before. It was like the sun breaking through the clouds. Even as she mentally slapped herself for saying such a stupid thing aloud, she felt her face light with a reflexive smile at the sound of that laugh.

Vincent wrapped strong arms around her and pecked her on the forehead, then spun away and across the room as though he'd heard something that interested him. Yuffie stood frozen, and tried to school the blush from her cheeks. Vincent snorted at his surroundings. "They should've known this place'd never last. Nothing does in Nibelheim. Everything just rots away…" He shrugged and turned back to 'Lucrecia'. "So, where are you off to today?"

Yuffie blanked. _Uhhh…_ "…town? I have to pick up a few things." _Like somethin' to make you less crazy!_

Vincent nodded. "You ready to go?"

Wide-eyed and quite daunted by the change in personality, Yuffie nodded and followed Vincent to the door. He glanced around at the empty mansion suspiciously, and for a moment the Vincent that she knew showed through in those eyes, as though something was wearing off, as though somewhere his mind was telling him that this wasn't quite right. But he held the door open for her courteously, and then the gate, and walked on her left all the way down to the village. Yuffie had the distinct feeling he was refraining from holding her hand.

They had nearly reached the first of the buildings when Vincent stepped around in front of her, causing her to back up until he had her up against a tree. His scarlet eyes were half-lidded; his lips were pulled to the side in an amused smirk. A curtain of dark hair separated her from his left eye, but she still caught the garnet glimmer behind the strands. When he spoke, the deep rumble of his voice vibrated to her through her stomach and breasts more than through her eardrums. The voice of self-control had to flail its arms and scream very loudly to prevent a gasp from escaping her lips.

"Hello, my love."

He moved in as though in slow motion, intent upon capturing her lips with his own. Yuffie Kisaragi had found herself in similar situations, but she had never before had qualms about causing lasting injury to her... harasser. Her eyes widened the moment after his had finally closed in anticipation, and she slipped expertly from between his arms. The friction between their bodies alone nearly made her cry out, but she regained her feet outside the circle of Vincent's arms without a problem.

What she didn't expect was for Vincent to chase her, try to recapture her after his split-second of surprise was over and done. His hand and claw on her waist made her gasp out loud, but his voice inches from her ear and the warmth of his body along her back silenced her as effectively as any gag.

"That was tricky." He murmured, the hint of a euphemism beneath the surface. Maybe it was some joke he and Lucrecia had shared in between...

Yuffie's thoughts trailed off at that point, because Vincent whirled her around and kissed her. It was not a gentle kiss. If her poor, beleaguered mind had been able to catalogue such an event – and it was not – then her description would have been long and detailed, of the way he drank her out of herself, of the way her eyes closed against her will and her body leaned into it without her permission.

As it was, when he finally pulled back, she stared at a spot some fifty feet behind him for a few moments, and then said, "I really do have things to do today." It didn't sound convincing, even to her. She was still trying to regain her breath.

But a familiar absence had appeared in Vincent's eyes, and his arms fell slack to his sides as she stepped away from him. A shudder ran over his body and his eyes slid closed, but when he looked up at her again, he wasn't the Vincent she knew. Hell, he wasn't even the Vincent she _didn't_ know.

Chaos stared back at her out of that perfectly human face, its eyes blazing. In Vincent's voice, it said, "He won't remember this. He cannot. Do you understand?"

Yuffie said, "What?"

"This cannot happen again. He cannot be allowed to return to those memories."

Yuffie blinked. "He... huh?"

Chaos glared at her levelly, and made Vincent's lips smile. It was a strange smile. It seemed peaceful, but when combined with the burning eyes... Yuffie bit the inside of her cheek.

"I understood that by human standards, he is quite attractive, but I wasn't aware a kiss so mundane as that could numb your mind." He said with a grin that didn't belong on Vincent's face. "Listen close, little ninja. Vincent changed dramatically when Hojo altered him. He was made weaker, because the stronger elements of himself were shaped into the monsters that came before me. But even mako cannot make a monster of love."

Yuffie's eyes fixed onto Chaos', confused. "What are you saying?"

"He is not strong enough to withdraw again. There isn't enough of himself left."

And just like that, Vincent blinked and was himself again. He frowned and glanced about in puzzlement. "Were we not just inside...?" He asked. Yuffie found that she was immensely pleased to hear the monotonous voice and to see the calm, immovable expression.

"Uh, yeah. The confusion's worn off. You were clucking and everything. I wish Cid had been here." She said, her mouth spinning a lie for her before her mind could come up with one. She was pretty damned sure he didn't want to know about mistaking her for Lucrecia, and she was absolutely fucking positive that the knowledge he had kissed her in that confused state would bring Chaos to the surface again in a much more forceful manner. As the demon had said, he didn't need to be reminded.

Vincent levelled a glare at her, and stalked off in the direction of the village. Yuffie found it difficult to believe that the perpetrator of that death glare was the same one who only moments ago had been laughing with her. And then she thought, _Well, it wasn't, really._

As she followed him down through Nibelheim, the wind whipped his hair to the side, and made his cloak billow dramatically up behind him. Yuffie found herself more and more conscious of his ass in those old-fashioned black Turk pants. Yuffie cocked an eyebrow at herself and sighed.

Leviathan help me… 

***

A/N: Yeah, I took tremendous liberties. Sue me! I have nearly seventeen dollars in the back, and maybe eighty cents in my pocket. I'd like to see you try. ;)


	8. Aftermath of Materia Snatching

Dislaimer: I don't own Vincent or Yuffie or Wutai or anything else in this. Well, I might own the nameless village, but I'll never be able to say so, because it has no name or any real features whatsoever. Laziness is a wonderful thing.  
  
A/N: Vincent finds that it is only when unable to speak that you find things to say. In other news... poor Yuffie. TT

**Aftermath of Materia Snatching**

_There's a light... when my baby's in my arms  
There's a light... when the window shades are drawn   
Hesitate... when I feel I may do harm to her   
Wash it off... 'cause this feeling we can share  
And I know she's reached my heart... in thin air..._  
  
-- "Thin Air", Pearl Jam

Vincent's eyes were narrowed in silent contemplation. It was something he did a lot, when he thought about it, but it had never occurred to him to change it. It was who he was, after all, and if others found it intimidating, well, that was their problem and theirs alone. He stood like a sentinel at the window of the small inn, staring blankly down at the long shadows of early evening, and yet seeing nothing. They had just come from Wutai, not three hours ago, and the thoughts and memories of his experiences there flowed through his mind. A raging torrent of words, visions and suppressed emotions...  
  
The anger had been terrible, then. He pressed his lips together in a thin line to cover the snarl-like grimace that wanted to appear there. The anger had been fierce and unforgiving, blotting out his rational mind and refusing to be swiped away. In a way, he had almost been glad. When the anger was that fierce, he had only to concentrate on controlling the demons. He didn't have to feel the betrayal or the hurt that way. In a way, he was still glad. The demons were only too happy to feed from the strength that his rage lent them. It was only too bad that hurt and betrayal sustained them just as well, that they encouraged those feelings as they did the murderous hate and the anger and seething jealousy...  
  
Just as well, then, that for now he was alone.  
  
The girl had been as silent as a mouse for the trip to here. (Wherever here was. He was sure he had never heard of this village.) He hoped she was ashamed for her actions, as ashamed as he was hurt and angry. He had thought himself past such pettiness, but that had all gone to Hell when he had crawled out of the tent and found her, and all of his materia, gone. Vanished. It had worried him, and then he had found her simple note. Brash and unrepentant. It had made him furious.  
  
_Dear Sucker, Your materia has been snatched by Yuffie Kisaragi. Sorry for the inconvenience, and have a nice day.  
_  
And beneath that in her youthful bubble printing,  
  
_Hey Vinnie, really sorry about this. A job's a job, I'm sure you know what I mean. Maybe I'll drop by and kick your coffin once in a while. See ya!  
_  
And a heart. Of all the things to place beside her name, a heart. He had shredded the damned note rather than look at it. That heart mocked him, and he knew it. He had no doubts that she knew it. It had not taken long to catch up to Cloud and the rest of AVALANCHE as each of their smaller groups converged on Wutai. And it had not taken long for them to find Yuffie, and it had been an even shorter time before they were duped into accepting her sincerity. Again. He had all but broken the bars of the cage while Cloud fumbled with the levers of Yuffie's mechanical monstrosity. He remembered the worried looks and the way that the other members of AVALANCHE had shuffled to the other end of the cage. They had seen him when his limits had been reached, and they did not want to be close to him should it happen again.  
  
Yuffie had been the only one who hadn't really cared. And at that time, she had not been in the vicinity. And, if he were to be truly honest, it would not have calmed him in the least if she had.  
  
He wanted to think that what had befallen her next was justified, but somehow his mind did not twist in that direction. He had been just as affronted that someone had dared to take someone he cared about as he was that someone he cared about had stolen his materia.  
  
Affront. That was laughable, even he knew that. Knew it and knew that he had already accepted it despite himself. Fear was closer to the mark, if not panic. His heart had all but stopped when he had seen her dangling helplessly from one of the many faces of Da Chao. Suspended perilously above a height so great it may as well have been endless. And of all of them, Cloud had chosen him to get Yuffie down, knowing that he had had the greatest agility and strength combined.  
  
Gods, if he had dropped her...  
  
Even now, he shuddered to think about it, ice running down his spine and making him hollow with fear. The thought of the girl plummeting to strike the upturned stone faces of Da Chao made him sweat. He knew he would see it in his nightmares, her fingers slipping from his, the frayed ropes snapping with a careless touch of his claw... a thousand days, and a thousand different ways he would dream it. He knew.  
  
Slipping from the shadows, the girl came, wending her way through the dark street. She took a lovely, dancing step, then drew back to the shadows again as Cloud and Tifa walked past, apparently deep in conversation. When they were well away, she stepped out of the shadows and moved swiftly to the door of the inn, out of his sight.  
  
He heard her footsteps behind him, though she tried her very hardest to muffle them. Her soft intake of breath when she saw his ominous shadow silhouetted in the lesser darkness of the outside world. He grit his teeth lightly against the resurging betrayal and firmly ignored the footsteps that came carefully closer. Fearful, though of his demons or what words might spill from him he did not know.  
  
"Vinnie?"  
  
Though she usually spoke so loudly and brashly, now her voice was quiet and hesitant. The sheer difference of it made it impossible to ignore. He gave her a cursory glance over his shoulder, and then turned back to the window, holding firm to the thought that she deserved nothing from him. There was a pregnant pause before she spoke again.  
  
"...are you really, really mad at me?"  
  
He thought that his infuriated silence and his refusal to turn to face her should speak for themselves on that matter. Yuffie seemed to realise this on her own, as she sighed heavily and retreated. He heard the springs in her mattress sag as she climbed into one of the three beds. He had no doubts that she would not have chosen the middle one, giving both of them the opportunity to stay as far away from each other as possible.  
  
Even from the window, he could hear her uneven breathing and knew that it meant she was trying not to cry. He was surprised. The only time he had ever seen the girl cry was when Aeris had died. He almost turned around, but his human hand clenched on the window sill. He would not give her the satisfaction. She deserved whatever sadness she might carry.  
  
"I-it wasn't all a lie."  
  
Her voice was not broken yet, and he could hear the strength that she drew on to keep it that way. Chaos shifted at the pain in that voice, in that soul, and in that shifting Vincent's ears were pricked to her words.  
  
"I was telling the truth, about stealing for Wutai. All I wanted was to save my home town... And I was telling the truth about being sorry. Okay? I'm really, really sorry."  
  
His jaw clenched and he whirled, cloak flying dramatically out behind him as he turned to face her bedside. His eyes glowed like coals in the pale planes of his face.  
  
"Your reasons are pathetic, and 'sorry' will never be enough for me to forgive your betrayal."  
  
Shocked silence, and then a single sob. For a moment he regretted his harsh words, but only for a moment. It was only a moment before the guilt that made his stomach clench was lost to him, lost in the greater guilt of the plethora of other sins that were his...  
  
"I... I understand."  
  
Very quiet, and strangled with tears. Unbearable sadness filled those words. Vincent wondered if he did, perhaps, forgive her after all, if he only thought that he should not. He wondered if he was only angry because he wanted himself to be, if he should do something about the heartbroken girl curled in the sheets, crying as silently as she knew how.  
  
He could not remember a home. Perhaps that was why he could not understand why she would do this thing. He couldn't remember what it might have meant, to love the place you were born. He wondered absently if it were at all like loving a person. If it was... yes, he could certainly understand her actions. But a town could not love you back.  
  
He stood with his back to the window now, watching the sheets that covered Yuffie's slight frame. A slight frown covered his face. Perhaps he ought to speak to her, calm her down. It would certainly help them on their journey tomorrow if she wasn't tired. His eyes narrowed at his own selfish thoughts.  
  
_She is your friend, Valentine, even if she has betrayed you. Stop thinking like you're me.  
  
_Chaos' thoughts were as his name, but he had been a part of the gunslinger for long enough that Vincent understood the flood of images and emotions as though they were speech. He blinked at the demon's words. What should it care?  
  
_Anger and pain may feed me, but they do not allow me rest. She has been through much in her life. The real monster is the man who stole her away.  
_  
Vincent's teeth clenched stubbornly. _Shut up_. "I have nothing more to say to you."  
  
She was silent for a long time, taking deep breaths to calm herself down. Vincent's human hand was beginning to ache from the force with which he was holding the windowsill, but he still hung onto it grimly. Yuffie's reply was barely perceptible, even to his ears. She probably had not meant for him to hear it. "Good night, Vincent."  
  
Chaos snarled a discontented rumble in Vincent's head. _Fool! I have nothing more to say to you, Valentine.  
_  
The silence between them stretched on and on. Every time Yuffie looked at him she felt sick with guilt and grief. He hated her now. He refused to help her over obstacles, as he would have done once. He went about in his burning crimson cloak, the heat of anger rippling out from him like a Barrier spell. So it didn't change their conversation patterns much when he was silenced just north of Bone Village.  
  
Yuffie knew that their materia was useless. Even if she hadn't, she wouldn't have been able to bring herself to mention it. Just looking at the orbs made her want to stomp them into dust. Stupid materia. Stupid Godo. Stupid her, for ever stealing from her friends. Stupid, stupid, stupid! She berated herself over and over again as they tromped through the shallow snow.  
  
Vincent stubbornly ignored the way that she was fading, fading away into herself. He ignored the way that all three of his inner monstrosities were ganging up against him – Chaos had not made its thoughts known to him since they had left the nameless town. He had the distinct impression that it was not at all pleased with him, but what cared he for the opinion of a demon? Not at all, unless he counted the severely painful headache that Chaos was making in a corner of his head.  
  
Yuffie stumbled behind him, exhausted by their trek from the coast. He scowled and lengthened his stride. They would make good time or die trying. To her credit, the ninja did not complain. Perhaps she felt, as he did, that she deserved this punishment. He doubted it. Despite her apologies earlier, her flippant note and her willingness to lie not once but twice to him had left him with significant doubts as to his judgement of her character. It was entirely possible that her entire disposition over the last few days was all part of an act, and she was merely waiting for him to let down his guard again.  
  
Possible, but not likely. The anger suddenly broke away and vanished, and Vincent realised that there had been nothing there to support it in the first place. His anger had been furious and lasting, but not for this long. That had been sheer stubbornness on his part. He looked back at Yuffie. Her eyes were cast downward, looking at the impressions his booted feet had made in the snow. She was staggering slightly and trying to hide it, not wanting to complain. She didn't realise that he had forgiven her yet. He slowed his pace and began to look for a place that they could stop for the night.  
  
It came in the form of a huge hollow tree. He watched Yuffie as she drew slowly closer, following the footprints with a slight frown of puzzlement on her face. Surely Vincent was not retiring this early in the evening? He had kept up a relentless pace since they had left Wutai. She entered the tree without meeting his eyes and took her place in the farthest nook of the trunk. He wouldn't want any more contact than he had to have with her.  
  
Vincent wasted nearly an hour wondering how to explain that he forgave her without speech. He spent an hour watching her furtively out of the corner of his eye, her arms wrapped about herself disconsolately, her face turned away from him. His eyes softened and bit by bit he felt his reservations (and his Chaos headache) melt away.  
  
He lifted his arm and rested his hand gently on her shoulder, not at all surprised when she flinched. She turned to him, eyes wide and pleading, hoping... he smiled at her.  
  
Yuffie took a couple of deep breaths before she flung herself at him and sobbed helplessly into his shoulder, clutching at his cloak with desperate hands. Sometimes she tried to speak, but he placed one of the digits of his claw over his own lips to tell her that it wasn't necessary. Eventually, she cried herself to sleep. Vincent looked down at the precious bundle he cradled in one arm, at her relieved smile even in sleep, and felt very much at peace. He closed his eyes and waited patiently for sleep to come.

A/N: "Thin Air" is a great song. :) I recommend it to everyone. Also "Light Years" and "Rival". Please review and let me know what you thought. Next up is... uh... Mini, I think.


	9. Do You Know The Muffin Man?

Disclaimer: I do not own Yuffie, Vincent or anything else from _Final Fantasy VII_. All that is property of Square-Enix, but only until I secure my hold on the world and… ahem Love and peacemakers.

A/N: Uh, you won't believe this, but I actually thought I'd posted this. And it's been sitting here forever and I've been thinking, hey, wonder what's next? Man, that was a silly A/N I left, I've already done Mini... Apologies for my idiocy. :ducks for cover: This is my favourite chapter, though! So please forgive meeee!

**Tales from the Less-Than-Well Equipped**

Do You Know the Muffin Man?

In what should be a very familiar opening scene, Yuffie and Vincent were in the midst of a battle. It was not a particularly gruelling battle - they were quite powerful despite their lack of decent equipment due to the distinctly cheap-ass nature of mercenary Cloud Strife. But nevertheless, things were not going to plan…

"Shit, Vinnie, get outta the--!"

Yuffie didn't bother finishing her sentence as Vincent shrunk to the size of a doll. This could have been because at least half her brain was currently running in small circles, shrilling "KAWAII!" at the top of its lungs. She preferred to think of it as saving energy, because it was f---in' cold and she wasn't sure how much longer she'd be able to feel her legs below the kneecaps.

With a short, sharp slice from the Oritsuru, Yuffie finished off the last of the monsters and did a little boogie, more to keep herself warm than out of glee at having defeated her opponents. The cold had made her even more unstable than usual, however, and at the end of her first spin, she wobbled a little before falling on her ass.

"Yuffie, are you all right?"

It was weird, very weird, to hear Vincent's voice coming from the tiny little thing several feet away. Yuffie glanced over and grinned. "Fine, monster man, just a little chilly. Are you all right? You look a little different somehow." She teased. Vincent's pint-sized face twisted into a _look_, which despite his smaller stature managed to carry a double weight of _die, die, die_. Yuffie scooped the tiny gunman up out of the snow and chortled.

"Do you know how much I would pay to get a photo of you right now?"

Vincent's eyebrow - the little that was visible below his bandanna - twitched. "The most that you could steal back at your earliest convenience." Yuffie snorted.

"Well at least Mini doesn't addle your brains, monster man." She smirked. "Y'know, that really doesn't suit you at this height. How about… muffin man?" Vincent closed his eyes tiredly, signifying that he really didn't care one way or the other. "Right, muffin man it is."

She sat him in the crook of her arm and set off through the snow again, reflecting that as amusing as this was, she really was going to kill Cloud when she saw him again. It was fine to go looking for materia, even in the snow. But the materia situation had become less-than-funny a long, long time ago. And if the effects of Mini wore off while she was carrying Vincent, there would be hell to pay.

Not that it mightn't be nice to be stuck underneath Vincent for a while…

_Thankyou, brain._ Yuffie thought, giving it a mental kick. That was the last thing she needed to be thinking in the middle of the snow. Think of all the energy she must be wasting on blushing.

And man, was she blushing. Yuffie was pretty sure that if she'd held the tiny gunman up to her face, his cloak would have blended right in. Fortunately, he didn't appear to have noticed.

(For his own part, Vincent was becoming increasingly aware of the fact that Yuffie, despite her lithe, catlike movements and tiny frame, had quite large breasts for her size and the warmth of her skin was _incredible_ through her tank top and…)

She waited until she was pretty sure her cheeks had regained their normal colour - or as normal as it got when she was freezing her ass off in the snow - before she cleared her throat. "So, muffin man, any ideas on which way to head?" It seemed to take Vincent a little longer than usual to reply.

"No." And his voice was a little huskier than it usually was, too. Hmm.

"Whatsa matter, Vinnie, are you cold?" Yuffie frowned down at the gunman - an odd experience, if she thought about it. She couldn't ever remember looking down on Vincent, especially not in a literal sense. He didn't reply and she made a face. "Me too. I think my legs are numb…"

She walked on for a while in silence, glancing around occasionally to check for monsters. However, it appeared they had had their fun and were content to watch from the shadows as Yuffie wandered in circles and finally collapsed of exhaustion and hypothermia. Yuffie snorted in annoyance. Like she'd give them the satisfaction!

A small part of her noted that if she was thinking about monsters being intelligent enough to be satisfied that she'd passed out from hypothermia, she probably already had hypothermia. And she was probably actually lying bleeding and icy-cold at the bottom of a slope somewhere. This thought was not particularly pleasing to Yuffie, so she shoved it rudely off its own little cliff and continued on her way through the snow. What would happen to Vincent if she had hypothermia, anyway? His pop gun wouldn't be any use against monsters, and he couldn't transform into Chaos…

Her lips twitched. Could he? That would be a sight to see - a tiny version of Chaos rampaging across the snowfields. She held in a giggle at the thought and glanced down to see if Vincent had noticed.

His eyes were closed, tiny doll face lolled back against her arm. His mouth was open slightly. Yuffie's eyes widened. "Vinnie? Monster man, you shouldn't go to sleep in the snow."

The gunman did not reply - didn't even twitch. Yuffie swore very loudly and stopped, knee-deep in icy slush. "Vincent! Vincent Valentine! Wake up!" She held him out in front of her and felt a brush of fear colder than any wind down her spine. His skin was pale as she was sure his bones would be, lips tinted blue. "#$…!"

Yuffie did the only thing she could think of - she pressed the tiny body as close to her as she could without crushing him. She had to get him somewhere warmer… some sort of shelter… she needed a cave, or a tent, or a… _Dammit, Cloud! Where's a stupid Fire materia when I need one!_

On Vincent's belt, of course.

She ploughed on through the snow, numb fingers struggling with the buckles of her shoulder plate. If she could loosen it enough that Vincent could sit inside the quilted guard, right next to her body warmth, he'd probably wake up sooner, right? She didn't know. Cold was not one of her things. She could have dealt with desert better than this.

_Damn. Damn. Damn. Don't panic._

This damn section of forest looked exactly the same as dozens of other sections of forest she'd passed through! Yuffie growled in annoyance and maybe just a little bit of panic as she increased her pace. She _had_ to find somewhere to go to keep Vincent warm until he woke up, or he was dead. He was so dead and there wouldn't be a thing she could do about it.

She hated to admit just how much the thought hurt her.

Finally she felt the shoulder plate loosen a little, and she tucked Vincent inside the upper edge, curled along her collar bone with his face resting against the collar of her green shirt. She brushed her hair out of his face as well as she could and tightened the plate a little so that he wouldn't just fall out.

_Have to find a place. Have to find a place to stop. Leviathan, please, show me to shelter. Haven't I always spoken with you, brought you offerings? I'm a good little Wutaian. You've never actually forbidden stealing or anything, have you? So please, please, please Leviathan, Da Chao, give me a place to shelter from the cold…_

She could see another clearing up ahead, but the wind was so fierce that she couldn't tell if there was just more forest on the other side of it or whether it lead to something more promising. She pushed through the stiff, reluctant branches of a squat pine tree…

…and the world was snatched out from under her, skipping away to the right as though it had just been a butterfly, pretending.

She brought her arms up to her face and neck to shelter Vincent and fell face down in the snow.

* * *

Warmth. Pressure. The scent of musk mixed with fresh straw and burning tallow.

_Wh… wh…?_

It was bright outside her head, bright and warm. But the something resting on top of her was heavy. It was sort of pleasant, though, reassuring maybe, like the weight of a heavy quilt in the middle of winter.

_Wh… at…?_

She cracked an eye open and winced at the light. A little brighter than she'd been expecting. But it wasn't a harsh white light; it was a softer golden tone, like a wall of candles. It didn't take long before she opened both her eyes and started to look around.

The first thing she looked at surprised her enough that she didn't bother looking around at anything else.

Vincent, still unconscious but very much larger than he had been when she'd last seen him, was sprawled across her from the neck to the hips, his head still resting in the hollow of her shoulder. His was the weight and the unassuming musky fragrance to the air. Yuffie felt her heart jump up to triple time in her ribcage and tried to slow her rapidly increasing breathing rate.

It was a wonder it took him as long as it did to wake up, really.

After a few minutes, Yuffie was done being embarrassed and getting ready to scream and flail and embarrass somebody _else_. She took a deep breath, fisted her hands…

…and Vincent shifted slightly nearer, turning his head enough that his nose brushed the column of her throat. He nuzzled it lightly in his sleep and Yuffie suddenly found that she couldn't make any sound, least of all a coherent accusation at the top of her lungs. She could feel her hands begin to shake. She took a shuddering breath.

"Vincent. Vincent. Vincent."

He frowned and shifted again, inexorably drawn towards wakefulness but obviously much preferring to stay where he was. Yuffie could feel herself blushing again, but she clenched her teeth and kept repeating his name. She had to get out of this situation before she did something totally _stupid…_

"Vincent. Vincent. _Vincent._"

He sighed lightly. "…ffie…" The girl screwed up her face.

"Vincent Valentine, get _up_! NOW!"

As though his body - if not his mind - obeyed her instructions, she felt his upper body pull back, his face drawing away from her neck. She felt at once much warmer and much colder as his eyes slid open and focused groggily upon her. He blinked once and a slight frown found its way onto his face. He blinked again, and when his eyes opened, he recoiled from her as though he had been slapped.

However, it appeared that his body couldn't quite handle that much movement so quickly, so he flopped facedown in the straw beside her, limp as a boneless fish. Yuffie was happy to find that her inability to breathe properly was not due to Vincent's proximity, but rather Vincent's Gargantuan weight on her tiny ribcage. It reassured her slightly. "No longer the muffin man - that means no free rides." She said candidly. Vincent made a small sound and pushed himself up with his human hand.

"_Yuffie…_ you don't think… you don't suspect me of…!"

One look at that mortified face - or at least, vaguely sheepish, which was more or less as mortified as Vincent got - made Yuffie wish she'd chosen different words. She rolled her eyes and propped herself up with her elbows. "Don't be dumb, Vinnie, it was a joke. Can't expect me not to be glad to have the use of my lungs again. You really need to lose some weight, you know that?"

She could have sworn Vincent's face coloured slightly. "I…" He avoided her eyes with all the skill of his profession prior to joining AVALANCHE, face a picture of wretched apology. Yuffie could have screamed - she'd meant to put him at ease, not make him more uncomfortable!

"Ugh. I said don't _worry_ about it, idiot! Y'know, a _joke?_" She sat up properly and winced as a headache made itself known. "Ow." She raised a hand to her forehead and grimaced. "Hey, Vinnie, want to help me kill Cloud? I'll tie him up and gag him, then you can shoot him in the legs and we'll toss him in a river with lots of sharks…"

Vincent blinked. "I… don't think sharks live in rivers, Yuffie. In any case, we are far from any river we could--"

Yuffie's eye twitched. "_Joke. Vincent._"

* * *

A/N: Ever seen _Full Metal Panic!_? Remember Sousuke Sagara and Kaname Chidori? Please review and let me know what you thought of the chapter. Next chapter involves… poison again, I think.

And those of you who were wondering why Vinnie was babbling of heat just before he passed out... well, you have two options, here. The first is the rather boring explanation of becoming delirious with cold. The second is that he got too excited for his weakened physical condition to handle. I'll let youmake up your own minds

_Well, she's married to the muffin man…_


End file.
